November in a Nutshell

It is the last day of November and if I don't post something then I owe Edgar big time :) So here was a quick recap of our month.

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

WICKED - 2nd Time

THANKSGIVING

I guess that we are almost done with all this, but it doesn't quite feel like it...

Thriller

On 11/24 and 11/25 Tiana had her Halloween performance at the mall. It was pretty cool because they got to dance in their costumes. Tiana is planning on being Glinda for actual Halloween, however she thought that costume would be too difficult to dance in so she decided (with my input) to be a zombie, devil, cat - whatever that is. Everything went great except that we were not in the right place on the first performance for her Thriller dance and I sometimes hate digital technology! Yesterday, I got the first part of her dance on video and it was really good, but when I tried to download to the computer something happened and the video got erased. I am still NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUT THIS. Then today I found out that just erasing picts from my camera does not erase them from the memory card (I can only do this on the computer), so I ran out of space - very luckily Ang was at the performance and had her camera so we did get a portion of the dance. My camera just happens to have better picture and sound quality and for a cute dance like this I hate that this happened. Sorry honey, Tiana really was so cute in the first part of this and I am so struggling that I don't have it for you to see. When you get back maybe I will make her go to the mall and give you a private performance. I also want her to teach us all the Thriller dance - that would be a great family home evening, huh!

Just Because

During our move, my camera got misplaced or something... which is not really a good excuse, but without pictures I feel like posting is useless. I have a new camera coming on Thursday (so I'm sure that I will find my other camera shortly after). It's a good thing Edgar is in Iraq - this way I can make frivolous purchases and justify it to myself (like a new camera - although I had just bought the other one, so I'm not real happy about it). Once I get the camera, I will post more. September is going by really fast and really slow at the same time...

One Day at a Time

So we are back to life one day at a time, although for the most part I tend to skip ahead in my mind - never trust my concept of time. I do feel up for the challenge of the next 6 months; I just wouldn't mind if time could fast forward a little. I am going to crash course train for a marathon in like 5 weeks, see Wicked twice, cry through anniversary and holidays, have sweet b-day parties for kids, see So You Think You Can Dance Tour, ski, ski, ski, watch dance performances, maybe take a class, find new renters, send packages, learn Spanish (ha, ha), go to Chicago and San Antonio (hopefully), watch movies, read, and anything else that will uplift and keep me and the kids occupied. I must admit that my options to pass the time are much more appealing than my husbands. We are planning a family trip to Mexico once he gets back, hopefully that will be enough to get him through! Big news of the week - Dash is loving to brush his teeth - this is really big because it means that I don't have to tackle him every night to try my best to kind of brush his teeth. When Edgar is around Kuwait, we sometimes get to watch TV together. This will be really cool when football season starts, even if the Broncs have a crappy season. School has started for Tiana and she loves it. Have I mentioned the fabulous people that I have around me that help me live one day at a time - 2009 we will be fine; 2010 we will really live again (cheesy huh).

I love you!

I am on Micky and Molly's computer, so I only have their pics to use and this is the one that I kept coming back to (even if it hurts a little to look at). I don't know or remotely understand why things have played out they way that they have, but we will once again get through it. And I have to believe that this is all for a reason and we will be a much stronger couple. It is incredibly difficult to go through this stuff across the sea. Once again I am very grateful for technology, but I really would love a teleporter or a private jet. I want you to know that you are my greatest strength. I need you to be strong there so I can have some of that strength here. I have an amazing support system here and you basically have nothing - this is my greatest worry. I promise that I will take care of myself and if I falter I have people that will keep on me about this. I will be ready when you get home. "As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the lord: I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee. Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the lord."
James E Faust

Walking with Dinosaurs!

Last Thursday, Dash and I had a date night (and we only kissed a little)! I took him to see Walking with Dinosaurs at the Pepsi Center. It was Awesome and we had a Blast. The only thing missing was his daddy being with us, which Dash pointed out quite a few times. For anybody that has been around Dash at all, you probably know that he LOVES dinosaurs. We like to call him "Ross". Watching this show was like his heaven. He was completely mesmerized the entire time, even through intermission. It was totally worth the ticket price (although we did get hooked up - our seats were in row 11). The other cool thing was they were not really sticklers about taking pics and video, so we have our own mini footage that he can watch whenever he wants. Here is a little clip to give you an idea - I wanted to show you the finale with T-Rex and baby T-Rex, but it did not want to upload so this will have to do. I'll send you a video with more footage. Next time you will be here, honey.

5 Years is Way Too Long!

I LOVE THIS PIC

On Saturday night I received a call from some very good friends of ours seeing if Sunday afternoon I would have time to go to the airport because Demis (the husband) had a three hour layover and would love to see us. Let me think, of course I was going to make time for this. In fact, it was probably exactly what I needed at the time, the only downside was that I didn't get to see the entire family - really, we will make it happen some day. Demis served with Eddie during his first deployment 03-04. We actually joined the Army right about the same time and lived in the same apartment complex. A big Mexican and a short Redneck were bound to become great friends! I think that married adult friendships are very interesting. First off, man do they take work. There are so many couples that I would love to be friends with, but things just get in the way - like life - I know it is a stupid excuse, but I do struggle with making time for people outside of family. For much of our married life Eddie & I have been perfectly content to just hang out together. Luckily with Amy & Demis we were just thrown into a pressure situation and this was the couple that we both could stand the longest (just kidding). Being in a highly stressful situation was part of it, but for me and this will sound totally cliche but we really just clicked. Ok, Amy and I didn't click right off the bat, but do I really click right of the bat with anyone ( I think I have been doing better though). However, there were never any strings attached, weird feelings, having to alter who we were - it was comfortable and we could all just hang out. I think that this is the key to married, adult friendships. We only have so much time in our days so we choose to spend our free time with the ones we are most comfortable with, can trust, and it helps to have some things in common. I think it is just more of a feeling of how both families connect, from the parents to the kids. We have enough stress in our lives that the friendships that we really choose to cultivate have to be worth it. To me, my close friends become more like family. These are the people that I will really let in. Amy & Demis will always be friends like this for us. Sitting with Demis, just talking, after 5 years, I felt that we hadn't missed a beat. My favorite part is that Dash completely took a liking to him, which is so rare for Dash. The pictures of them totally shows this. Close friends are very important - What a great day!

Land of the Free

I just came across this saying "Land of the Free because of the Brave" - true in so many ways. I am truly grateful for all of the brave men and women now and throughout history, in all different walks of life, in various different scenarios, who stand up for this country, for our freedoms, and for truth. I have recently been reminded that this is noble, honorable, and a sacrifice.

(Wow - we look dead)

I'm sure that it is extremely difficult when couples are apart, but it is almost unbearable to be apart from your better half and best friend. As much as I try not to, I always have a part of me that is empty. I can't imagine how you feel. I really miss being able to hug you, go out with you, and be together as a family, but I really miss just being able to really talk to you (or me talk while you sleep). I feel that I can't really complain because we have access to so many different modes of communication, we have and continue to be so blessed, we have an amazing family, we've made it through much worse -- but it is still hard. Why do I feel bad about this???

(I hate that this picture is blurry)
See, I am going to be better about posting!

4th of July - Goodbye!

What a day! I really can't tell you what day of the week it actually is. The past two weeks were completely amazing, however reality hit today, on the day of our Country's Birthday. I did venture out in the rainy weather to take the kids to watch the fireworks. I am really glad that we did because it really would not have felt like the 4th without watching fireworks. Today was very rainy and I kept debating whether we should go out or not, plus after spending the day moping at a friends the kids came home and crashed. They woke up just in time for fireworks and for the weather to clear up, so we went. This is the first year that I can remember having such a small group. Our group consisted of Tiana, Dash, me and mom. Tiana was not very happy because she is used to be surrounded by friends and family while watching (luckily the Weaver's showed up, so for those of you that know how Tiana feels about that family, you know that her attitude completely changed)! While we were waiting, there were a lot of planes passing by and Dash was trying to figure out which one his Dad was on. We talked about how important it is for us to celebrate this land that we have been so blessed to live in and about how important this land is to their daddy. I hate that Edgar was not there with us, but in many ways he really is always with us. With the kids being older, I have been able to really discuss why their dad has to be away right now and I can make many situations learning opportunities. Have I mentioned how different this deployment is than either of the others. I feel like it hurts more, is harder day to day, affects more people, is making me stretch more than I remember, is causing my love and pride for my husband and family to grow exponentially, and is all that is ever on my mind and all I ever talk about (which I really am sorry to all of you on the other end). But considering I am not living in a military town, I think that we are bringing a small portion of the military experience to those close to us, and if people want to join us for this ride it can sometimes be a really cool thing!

Grandpa's Best Projects Ever!

Tears of Joy!

Edgar,
This is why you are doing what you are doing - Our Family! You joined the military because you loved this country so much that you wanted to do something to show your children that you fight for the things that you love and believe in (all before you were a US citizen). It was one of the most selfless acts that I have ever experienced, which was why I supported you then and continue to support you now. Tiana totally understands and respects this, an understanding that will only grow deeper as she gets older. Even Dash, as much as it hurts him that you are not here, knows that you are his hero and wants to be just like you. I know that it kills you to be away from us (we feel the same), however we are so Proud of you. When I ran the Bolder Boulder (in honor of you), I can't even describe the emotions that I experienced as I crossed the finish line and made my way through the crowd into the stadium. In my eyes, it was all for you! Whether right by my side or half a world away, you bring out the best in me. This will never change. Tiana and I discussed your email to me and putting together this video was her idea. She thinks that this will make you cry "tears of joy" and will help you get through hard days.

Just a note

Last Thursday we got to go to the circus. The best part is that we did not have to pay and we got to sit in a suite (love having friends with the hook up, even if they just feel sorry for you because your husband is gone). I was so glad that we were in a suite because as much as Dash liked some parts,he sure wanted to play during other parts.

These are the animals that Dash really enjoyed. Tiana was kind of sad because she really wanted to see a Tiger disappear. She said, "some things at a circus are exciting and some are magical." There was not a ton of magical - oh well. I'm thinking next time in Vegas we could catch a show that will make a tiger disappear!

This is my new buddy Kasen. He was much more interested in taking pictures of us or him and then looking at them than really watching the circus. He actually did great, but two hours is sometimes a long time for a one and a half year old (two hours is sometimes a long time for a 30 year old too)!

Mother's Day

Sidenote: I apologize for the quality, but you will get the idea - Also, when she says turn it around, she wants me to turn the viewfinder around so that she can watch herself preform. I thought that I would put the lyrics - she made a few little changes, but you get the idea. I love the internet because I didn't even remember where she learned this song.

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom to make it all better

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom who love me whatever

I want a mom to take my hand

And make me feel like a holiday

A mom to tuck me in at night

And chase the monsters away

I want a mom to read me stories

And sing a lullaby

And if I have a bad dream, to hold me when I cry

I randomly came across this video a couple of days ago. What perfect timing! Tiana was 3 1/2. I am really bad at home movies and such, and after seeing this I am really kicking myself for not being better (working on this). Why did I not have a camera on Tiana at all times. Thank goodness for cell phones with camera, otherwise I would have nothing. Anyway, this is my Mother's Day present to myself and to all of the second mother's in Tiana's life. There are so many of you that I should be thanking everyday for loving her, teaching her, and caring for her. I know that I could not have raised Tiana for the last 7 1/2 years without all of you (okay so I could have raised her, but it would have been a much different experience - Edgar, you are included in this - I couldn't have done it without you - even when you are away). If any of you really know Tiana, you will also know how much she loves all of you. Tiana is all about showing love to the people in her life (something else that I am trying to improve on). She rarely, if ever, says that she loves one person more than another. I don't think that she even really understands the concept of favoritism. We are always trying to get her to say who she loves best (mom vs dad, YaYa vs Papi, Micky vs Molly, etc) but her answer is always "I love you both". Her love is pure and unconditional. She has been this way her whole life and I really hope that this is a quality that she always possesses. I hope you all enjoy this even half as much as I did.

Dash

I have not mentioned how great it is to have family around and especially family living with us to help out! I'm pretty sure that I would have had to quit my job if I would have had to drop Dash off every morning at daycare. As it is, there are mornings that he cries and cries when I leave. A couple of days ago Ang called me at work, about an hour after I had left, and put Dash on the phone. He was still crying from when I left. I don't really understand why this traumatizes him so much, although it is kind of nice to know how much he loves me or at least needs me. I'm sure the day will come (much too quickly) when he will not want me around.

Davin and Dash are best buds. The world better watch out when they hit their teenage years (maybe we will move far, far away). They already have their pickup line and they practice it -
"Hello Ladies." Coming from a 3 year old and a 2 year old pretty much wins them all over. I kind of already feel bad for Tiana's friends and I can only imagine how things are going to be in about 8-10 years. The pressure is definitely on Edgar and I to teach Dash right from wrong because Davin is going to follow in Dash's footsteps. He already looks up to him basically like an older brother. Dash basically treats him like a younger brother - he loves to torment him, but he will not let anyone else pick on him and gets really protective. Dash also like to torment Kiara. I think that his favorite thing to do is make her cry and the kiss her to make it all better. For those of you that don't know, Dash is kind of a brat. I think he gets this from his father! One minute I want to throw him against the wall and two seconds later I can't kiss him enough (yep - like his father). Now Dash is bugging me to go with him to bed, so I guess I am done for the night. Good night all!

Baltimore Training

I woke up the morning of Sunday, April 26th not very excited to leave my kids for the next four nights to attend a federal grants training in Baltimore, Maryland. Basically the only thing that I knew about Baltimore was from Hairspray and all I really wanted to do was figure out time to go to Washington DC. I did not ever get to DC, but Baltimore sure did grow on me! There was an Ernst & Young office right in the Inner Harbor that I was considering checking out for future employment. If it wasn't so important to me to raise my kids near family, I might have pressed this issue. Plus, I don't think that Edgar would be thrilled to come home to me/us leaving in a different state.

I think I might have a warped perception of Baltimore because on the flight home I was talking to a guy that basically said that if I would have ventured out a couple of miles from downtown/inner harbor, I probably would not have felt so safe. Oh well, while I was there I felt totally safe. I ran, shopped, ate, and even went to a baseball game alone. I got hit on more than I ever have (which was kind of a boost to my ego), but more so made me decide that conventions are the root of many cases of infidelity. It is just too easy, especially if alcohol is part of the mix. I hung out with one of my male co-workers, and limited my time with him just so we did not give off the wrong perception. Luckily, I am perfectly content entertaining myself. However, don't get me wrong, I had a fantastic time (in Baltimore and at the training).

The one thing that I struggled with was being away from the kids, mostly Dash because I don't think Tiana could care less when I am gone - in fact, I think she really likes it because then she gets to be with Joslyn all the time. I know that Dash misses me though. Monday night he basically cried himself to sleep, while I was on the phone with him. It was a little traumatic. I really don't know how Edgar does it, day in and out. I had to basically forget about the kids just to not feel the pain of missing them. It was a nice break, but I also knew that I would be home soon! Miss you honey; I really wish that you could have been with me - things just aren't the same when we are not experiencing them together.

Deep Thoughts!

The idea was to stay up on my postings. As you can see, it has been more time than I intended. When I have a husband constantly checking this site for updates, I really owe him to stay up with this (no matter how hard or whether I think I have anything to say). I am on my sister's computer and her picture selection is scarce, so this blog is just going to be me writing. Feel free to navigate away because I don't know how interesting this will be. So, I'm in Baltimore at a conference for work. Baltimore is a fabulous place. I am enjoying it much more than I was expecting. I will have more about the trip when I get home and can sort through pictures. Anyway, I am alone in a hotel room and I have had quite a bit of time to think. Those of you that know me know that whether I am alone or not I am thinking constantly, but this actually does feel a little different. I kind of feel guilty for enjoying this while my kids (Dash) is at home crying for me. If anybody know how to juggle being a single parent, kids, and career without this underlying feeling of guilt, please let me know. I just hope that while I am with my kids that I truly express to them how much I love them. I am working on this. My kids amaze me. Tiana truly understands her dad's absence this time. However she has or is evolving into the role of "the rock" of our family. She knows without a doubt that her dad loves her, is doing the right thing, and will be safe. She also knows how to lean on her faith for support. I get reminded everyday as to our blessing of having Tiana as the oldest child in our family. Now there is Dash. He is three and a half, which is an age that I believe that he understands more than I would think. For example, the other day I was joking around as to it being Edgar's fault that I left Utah State. Dash looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "Mommy, it is not my daddy's fault." This was a total slap in my face that I really need to be mindful of what I say and how I say it. Dash is doing so well. I know that he misses his dad more than he can express. His favorite game to play with Davin is "father and son" and Dash is always the son. Also, once Dash let's someone in (which is sometimes a long, grueling process) he will let them see the sweet side of Dash. The Dash that runs over to give you a kiss just because, the Dash whose face (and no teeth smile) can light up the room, the Dash that will do anything in his power to protect those he loves. It has been one month since Edgar had the fabulous opportunity to come visit and I know that this kids will be fine (I might be a different story).

I am going to go a fairly different, very spiritual, very personal direction. Edgar this is for you. I have two main scriptures that have basically been cornerstones in my life for almost exactly the past eleven years.

Mosiah 3:33 "But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."

In conjunction, Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

In a different time in my life, basically prior to eleven years ago, I would have read the scripture in Mosiah and only seen the words "according to his will and pleasure." The knowledge that I was lacking then was the understanding that when I am truly trusting in the Lord and turning to the Lord with full purpose of heart, his will and pleasure will be my will and pleasure. Heavenly Father knows us so much better than we know ourselves and he knows the trials, challenges, and situations that we need to become who we were created to be. For me, I remind myself of this daily. This does not mean that now I live stress free and that I don't miss him so much it hurts, but when I adhere to this faith I can make it another day. With the trials that we have been through and will continue to go through, I know that there is more to come (probably more difficult) and I know that our previous experiences will be our blessings of strength.

Edgar - know this and live this - know that I know this and live this - I will probably not go this direction with the blog again. A little over the top huh (letters are still be needed).

Butterfly Kisses

When I returned from Indianapolis, I came home to this picture in the mail - It basically took my breath away! Right before Edgar deployed, there was a daddy/daughter dance in Fort Collins that Edgar got to take Tiana to. It was a night just for them. They got all dressed up, luckily Tiana has a stockpile of beautiful dresses because we found out about the dance on the morning of the dance. Edgar got her a corsage, they had dinner, and went to the dance (just the two of them). I am pretty sure that it is something that Tiana will remember for her entire life. They both had a blast and I think that this picture proves it!

Our Weekend Together

We have been really blessed during the two months leading up to Edgar actually leaving the country. He had to opportunity to come home for about a week after being away for one month. Then, two weeks later I got to go visit him in Indianapolis (fabulous trip). We got to see some friends who just happened to have just moved there - Edgar got to help them get settled - and we got to just spend time together! This is almost our entire weekend in Indianapolis, although why did we not take pictures with the Bakers. Once again, I was not thinking enough.

Not Sure

So, I thought this would be a great idea to start a blog (mainly for Edgar) and now I am not so sure. This is fun, but not fun at the same time. Plus, I kind of feel that blogs are a little too personal for me (although I love to read other peoples - which feels somewhat hypocritical). I am hoping that once I spend some time on the format and layout it will be a much faster process. This might become private very quickly. I am already having a difficult time with what to say and how to say it. I am just going to say "Edgar, I love you - I hope that you know how much I love you - I miss you more everyday - I can't even imagine how you feel and what you are going through - We will get through this and we will be blessed!" Would logging in and seeing my thoughts for the day or week help you or not??? Maybe I should just revert to good old fashion letter writing. This will be a work in progress (or possibly abandoned). We will see...