Deep Thoughts!

The idea was to stay up on my postings. As you can see, it has been more time than I intended. When I have a husband constantly checking this site for updates, I really owe him to stay up with this (no matter how hard or whether I think I have anything to say). I am on my sister's computer and her picture selection is scarce, so this blog is just going to be me writing. Feel free to navigate away because I don't know how interesting this will be. So, I'm in Baltimore at a conference for work. Baltimore is a fabulous place. I am enjoying it much more than I was expecting. I will have more about the trip when I get home and can sort through pictures. Anyway, I am alone in a hotel room and I have had quite a bit of time to think. Those of you that know me know that whether I am alone or not I am thinking constantly, but this actually does feel a little different. I kind of feel guilty for enjoying this while my kids (Dash) is at home crying for me. If anybody know how to juggle being a single parent, kids, and career without this underlying feeling of guilt, please let me know. I just hope that while I am with my kids that I truly express to them how much I love them. I am working on this. My kids amaze me. Tiana truly understands her dad's absence this time. However she has or is evolving into the role of "the rock" of our family. She knows without a doubt that her dad loves her, is doing the right thing, and will be safe. She also knows how to lean on her faith for support. I get reminded everyday as to our blessing of having Tiana as the oldest child in our family. Now there is Dash. He is three and a half, which is an age that I believe that he understands more than I would think. For example, the other day I was joking around as to it being Edgar's fault that I left Utah State. Dash looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "Mommy, it is not my daddy's fault." This was a total slap in my face that I really need to be mindful of what I say and how I say it. Dash is doing so well. I know that he misses his dad more than he can express. His favorite game to play with Davin is "father and son" and Dash is always the son. Also, once Dash let's someone in (which is sometimes a long, grueling process) he will let them see the sweet side of Dash. The Dash that runs over to give you a kiss just because, the Dash whose face (and no teeth smile) can light up the room, the Dash that will do anything in his power to protect those he loves. It has been one month since Edgar had the fabulous opportunity to come visit and I know that this kids will be fine (I might be a different story).

I am going to go a fairly different, very spiritual, very personal direction. Edgar this is for you. I have two main scriptures that have basically been cornerstones in my life for almost exactly the past eleven years.

Mosiah 3:33 "But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."

In conjunction, Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

In a different time in my life, basically prior to eleven years ago, I would have read the scripture in Mosiah and only seen the words "according to his will and pleasure." The knowledge that I was lacking then was the understanding that when I am truly trusting in the Lord and turning to the Lord with full purpose of heart, his will and pleasure will be my will and pleasure. Heavenly Father knows us so much better than we know ourselves and he knows the trials, challenges, and situations that we need to become who we were created to be. For me, I remind myself of this daily. This does not mean that now I live stress free and that I don't miss him so much it hurts, but when I adhere to this faith I can make it another day. With the trials that we have been through and will continue to go through, I know that there is more to come (probably more difficult) and I know that our previous experiences will be our blessings of strength.

Edgar - know this and live this - know that I know this and live this - I will probably not go this direction with the blog again. A little over the top huh (letters are still be needed).

Butterfly Kisses

When I returned from Indianapolis, I came home to this picture in the mail - It basically took my breath away! Right before Edgar deployed, there was a daddy/daughter dance in Fort Collins that Edgar got to take Tiana to. It was a night just for them. They got all dressed up, luckily Tiana has a stockpile of beautiful dresses because we found out about the dance on the morning of the dance. Edgar got her a corsage, they had dinner, and went to the dance (just the two of them). I am pretty sure that it is something that Tiana will remember for her entire life. They both had a blast and I think that this picture proves it!

Our Weekend Together

We have been really blessed during the two months leading up to Edgar actually leaving the country. He had to opportunity to come home for about a week after being away for one month. Then, two weeks later I got to go visit him in Indianapolis (fabulous trip). We got to see some friends who just happened to have just moved there - Edgar got to help them get settled - and we got to just spend time together! This is almost our entire weekend in Indianapolis, although why did we not take pictures with the Bakers. Once again, I was not thinking enough.

Not Sure

So, I thought this would be a great idea to start a blog (mainly for Edgar) and now I am not so sure. This is fun, but not fun at the same time. Plus, I kind of feel that blogs are a little too personal for me (although I love to read other peoples - which feels somewhat hypocritical). I am hoping that once I spend some time on the format and layout it will be a much faster process. This might become private very quickly. I am already having a difficult time with what to say and how to say it. I am just going to say "Edgar, I love you - I hope that you know how much I love you - I miss you more everyday - I can't even imagine how you feel and what you are going through - We will get through this and we will be blessed!" Would logging in and seeing my thoughts for the day or week help you or not??? Maybe I should just revert to good old fashion letter writing. This will be a work in progress (or possibly abandoned). We will see...