Tears of Joy!

Edgar,
This is why you are doing what you are doing - Our Family! You joined the military because you loved this country so much that you wanted to do something to show your children that you fight for the things that you love and believe in (all before you were a US citizen). It was one of the most selfless acts that I have ever experienced, which was why I supported you then and continue to support you now. Tiana totally understands and respects this, an understanding that will only grow deeper as she gets older. Even Dash, as much as it hurts him that you are not here, knows that you are his hero and wants to be just like you. I know that it kills you to be away from us (we feel the same), however we are so Proud of you. When I ran the Bolder Boulder (in honor of you), I can't even describe the emotions that I experienced as I crossed the finish line and made my way through the crowd into the stadium. In my eyes, it was all for you! Whether right by my side or half a world away, you bring out the best in me. This will never change. Tiana and I discussed your email to me and putting together this video was her idea. She thinks that this will make you cry "tears of joy" and will help you get through hard days.

Just a note

Last Thursday we got to go to the circus. The best part is that we did not have to pay and we got to sit in a suite (love having friends with the hook up, even if they just feel sorry for you because your husband is gone). I was so glad that we were in a suite because as much as Dash liked some parts,he sure wanted to play during other parts.

These are the animals that Dash really enjoyed. Tiana was kind of sad because she really wanted to see a Tiger disappear. She said, "some things at a circus are exciting and some are magical." There was not a ton of magical - oh well. I'm thinking next time in Vegas we could catch a show that will make a tiger disappear!

This is my new buddy Kasen. He was much more interested in taking pictures of us or him and then looking at them than really watching the circus. He actually did great, but two hours is sometimes a long time for a one and a half year old (two hours is sometimes a long time for a 30 year old too)!

Mother's Day

Sidenote: I apologize for the quality, but you will get the idea - Also, when she says turn it around, she wants me to turn the viewfinder around so that she can watch herself preform. I thought that I would put the lyrics - she made a few little changes, but you get the idea. I love the internet because I didn't even remember where she learned this song.

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom to make it all better

I want a mom that will last forever

I want a mom who love me whatever

I want a mom to take my hand

And make me feel like a holiday

A mom to tuck me in at night

And chase the monsters away

I want a mom to read me stories

And sing a lullaby

And if I have a bad dream, to hold me when I cry

I randomly came across this video a couple of days ago. What perfect timing! Tiana was 3 1/2. I am really bad at home movies and such, and after seeing this I am really kicking myself for not being better (working on this). Why did I not have a camera on Tiana at all times. Thank goodness for cell phones with camera, otherwise I would have nothing. Anyway, this is my Mother's Day present to myself and to all of the second mother's in Tiana's life. There are so many of you that I should be thanking everyday for loving her, teaching her, and caring for her. I know that I could not have raised Tiana for the last 7 1/2 years without all of you (okay so I could have raised her, but it would have been a much different experience - Edgar, you are included in this - I couldn't have done it without you - even when you are away). If any of you really know Tiana, you will also know how much she loves all of you. Tiana is all about showing love to the people in her life (something else that I am trying to improve on). She rarely, if ever, says that she loves one person more than another. I don't think that she even really understands the concept of favoritism. We are always trying to get her to say who she loves best (mom vs dad, YaYa vs Papi, Micky vs Molly, etc) but her answer is always "I love you both". Her love is pure and unconditional. She has been this way her whole life and I really hope that this is a quality that she always possesses. I hope you all enjoy this even half as much as I did.

Dash

I have not mentioned how great it is to have family around and especially family living with us to help out! I'm pretty sure that I would have had to quit my job if I would have had to drop Dash off every morning at daycare. As it is, there are mornings that he cries and cries when I leave. A couple of days ago Ang called me at work, about an hour after I had left, and put Dash on the phone. He was still crying from when I left. I don't really understand why this traumatizes him so much, although it is kind of nice to know how much he loves me or at least needs me. I'm sure the day will come (much too quickly) when he will not want me around.

Davin and Dash are best buds. The world better watch out when they hit their teenage years (maybe we will move far, far away). They already have their pickup line and they practice it -
"Hello Ladies." Coming from a 3 year old and a 2 year old pretty much wins them all over. I kind of already feel bad for Tiana's friends and I can only imagine how things are going to be in about 8-10 years. The pressure is definitely on Edgar and I to teach Dash right from wrong because Davin is going to follow in Dash's footsteps. He already looks up to him basically like an older brother. Dash basically treats him like a younger brother - he loves to torment him, but he will not let anyone else pick on him and gets really protective. Dash also like to torment Kiara. I think that his favorite thing to do is make her cry and the kiss her to make it all better. For those of you that don't know, Dash is kind of a brat. I think he gets this from his father! One minute I want to throw him against the wall and two seconds later I can't kiss him enough (yep - like his father). Now Dash is bugging me to go with him to bed, so I guess I am done for the night. Good night all!

Baltimore Training

I woke up the morning of Sunday, April 26th not very excited to leave my kids for the next four nights to attend a federal grants training in Baltimore, Maryland. Basically the only thing that I knew about Baltimore was from Hairspray and all I really wanted to do was figure out time to go to Washington DC. I did not ever get to DC, but Baltimore sure did grow on me! There was an Ernst & Young office right in the Inner Harbor that I was considering checking out for future employment. If it wasn't so important to me to raise my kids near family, I might have pressed this issue. Plus, I don't think that Edgar would be thrilled to come home to me/us leaving in a different state.

I think I might have a warped perception of Baltimore because on the flight home I was talking to a guy that basically said that if I would have ventured out a couple of miles from downtown/inner harbor, I probably would not have felt so safe. Oh well, while I was there I felt totally safe. I ran, shopped, ate, and even went to a baseball game alone. I got hit on more than I ever have (which was kind of a boost to my ego), but more so made me decide that conventions are the root of many cases of infidelity. It is just too easy, especially if alcohol is part of the mix. I hung out with one of my male co-workers, and limited my time with him just so we did not give off the wrong perception. Luckily, I am perfectly content entertaining myself. However, don't get me wrong, I had a fantastic time (in Baltimore and at the training).

The one thing that I struggled with was being away from the kids, mostly Dash because I don't think Tiana could care less when I am gone - in fact, I think she really likes it because then she gets to be with Joslyn all the time. I know that Dash misses me though. Monday night he basically cried himself to sleep, while I was on the phone with him. It was a little traumatic. I really don't know how Edgar does it, day in and out. I had to basically forget about the kids just to not feel the pain of missing them. It was a nice break, but I also knew that I would be home soon! Miss you honey; I really wish that you could have been with me - things just aren't the same when we are not experiencing them together.

Deep Thoughts!

The idea was to stay up on my postings. As you can see, it has been more time than I intended. When I have a husband constantly checking this site for updates, I really owe him to stay up with this (no matter how hard or whether I think I have anything to say). I am on my sister's computer and her picture selection is scarce, so this blog is just going to be me writing. Feel free to navigate away because I don't know how interesting this will be. So, I'm in Baltimore at a conference for work. Baltimore is a fabulous place. I am enjoying it much more than I was expecting. I will have more about the trip when I get home and can sort through pictures. Anyway, I am alone in a hotel room and I have had quite a bit of time to think. Those of you that know me know that whether I am alone or not I am thinking constantly, but this actually does feel a little different. I kind of feel guilty for enjoying this while my kids (Dash) is at home crying for me. If anybody know how to juggle being a single parent, kids, and career without this underlying feeling of guilt, please let me know. I just hope that while I am with my kids that I truly express to them how much I love them. I am working on this. My kids amaze me. Tiana truly understands her dad's absence this time. However she has or is evolving into the role of "the rock" of our family. She knows without a doubt that her dad loves her, is doing the right thing, and will be safe. She also knows how to lean on her faith for support. I get reminded everyday as to our blessing of having Tiana as the oldest child in our family. Now there is Dash. He is three and a half, which is an age that I believe that he understands more than I would think. For example, the other day I was joking around as to it being Edgar's fault that I left Utah State. Dash looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "Mommy, it is not my daddy's fault." This was a total slap in my face that I really need to be mindful of what I say and how I say it. Dash is doing so well. I know that he misses his dad more than he can express. His favorite game to play with Davin is "father and son" and Dash is always the son. Also, once Dash let's someone in (which is sometimes a long, grueling process) he will let them see the sweet side of Dash. The Dash that runs over to give you a kiss just because, the Dash whose face (and no teeth smile) can light up the room, the Dash that will do anything in his power to protect those he loves. It has been one month since Edgar had the fabulous opportunity to come visit and I know that this kids will be fine (I might be a different story).

I am going to go a fairly different, very spiritual, very personal direction. Edgar this is for you. I have two main scriptures that have basically been cornerstones in my life for almost exactly the past eleven years.

Mosiah 3:33 "But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."

In conjunction, Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

In a different time in my life, basically prior to eleven years ago, I would have read the scripture in Mosiah and only seen the words "according to his will and pleasure." The knowledge that I was lacking then was the understanding that when I am truly trusting in the Lord and turning to the Lord with full purpose of heart, his will and pleasure will be my will and pleasure. Heavenly Father knows us so much better than we know ourselves and he knows the trials, challenges, and situations that we need to become who we were created to be. For me, I remind myself of this daily. This does not mean that now I live stress free and that I don't miss him so much it hurts, but when I adhere to this faith I can make it another day. With the trials that we have been through and will continue to go through, I know that there is more to come (probably more difficult) and I know that our previous experiences will be our blessings of strength.

Edgar - know this and live this - know that I know this and live this - I will probably not go this direction with the blog again. A little over the top huh (letters are still be needed).

Butterfly Kisses

When I returned from Indianapolis, I came home to this picture in the mail - It basically took my breath away! Right before Edgar deployed, there was a daddy/daughter dance in Fort Collins that Edgar got to take Tiana to. It was a night just for them. They got all dressed up, luckily Tiana has a stockpile of beautiful dresses because we found out about the dance on the morning of the dance. Edgar got her a corsage, they had dinner, and went to the dance (just the two of them). I am pretty sure that it is something that Tiana will remember for her entire life. They both had a blast and I think that this picture proves it!